The shocking death of singer/songwriter Liam Payne has left millions of the former One Direction star’s fans around the world stunned and sad.
The 31-year-old left a seven-year-old son after suffering a fatal fall from the third floor of a hotel in Buenos Aires on 16 October.
For Payne’s friends and family, it is obviously a devastating loss.
But for those who didn’t know Payne personally – including teenagers and 20-somethings who grew up with his music – his death has also left an impact.
Navigating parasocial grief
A ‘parasocial relationship’ is where people feel a deep emotional connection to a public figure they may never personally know. When that public figure dies, the pain of parasocial grief is real – and just like the loss of anyone you care about, it is made worse when it happens unexpectedly and to someone young.
EducationDaily spoke with the Director of the Australian Catholic University’s Institute of Child Protection Studies, Professor Daryl Higgins to help understand the impact celebrity deaths can have on young people – and how their parents can help support them at this challenging time.
“When there is a shock loss like this, whether it happens to a famous singer or a TV star, a movie star or anyone else people admire, parents need to recognise that it is understandable for their child to feel deep sadness and grief,” Higgins told EducationDaily.
“And in the same way you would offer support after the loss of a moved family member or friend, it’s really important to understand their feelings.”
Higgins says the challenge for parents who don’t share the same emotional connection and sense of belonging to the feeling for this celebrity is to take the time to be empathetic and give them the same support and space to grieve.
“Recognise that their grief is valid and lean into that to honour what they are feeling about the situation,” he says.
Listen and acknowledge without judgement
Higgins recommends creating space and time to ask them about their feelings – and being prepared to listen.
“Sometimes, I think parents are afraid to dig deeper because they might make it worse – but it’s worse to ignore their deep feelings and not acknowledge them.
“Use open-ended questions that invite them to ‘tell me how you’re feeling’. Or ask them a question about what their music meant to them.”
In the immediate time after the news, Higgins says that, obviously, emotions may be most noticeable. But he also advises parents keep the line of conversation open – and he says it’s important to not assume they will get over it quickly, just because it was not someone close to them.
“But it’s also important to encourage ways they can help themselves to stop thinking about the tragedy they are grieving,” Higgins told EducationDaily.
It’s something he acknowledges is more challenging for young people who have access to the endless news feeds on digital devices and social media
Taking a break from news to do something physical can be positive, he says, with an invitation to walk the dog, or walk to the shops offering physical movement, but also an opportunity for sharing feelings as you walk together.
Dads, he says, should endeavour to be involved too.
“When it comes to managing their children’s emotional wellbeing, sometimes it’s left to mums to do the heavy lifting.”
And if it’s a teenage girl grieving the death of a former boy band superstar, Higgins says some dads might feel a sense of disconnection that makes it harder for them to honour the depth of feeling their child might experience.
If you’re supporting a child who is neurodivergent and might struggle to articulate all their feelings, Higgins says sometimes putting words in their mouth at times of intense grief may help them realise you acknowledge the sadness they feel.
“Saying something like, ‘I can tell you’re grieving’, can be a way of showing them you understand some of what they are feeling,” he says.
Disconnecting from news feeds matters
But while it’s important to acknowledge these deep feelings, Higgins says it’s also important to acknowledge there is a time to help young people move towards some more action-oriented responses.
“We have to try to limit the exposure to sad news and that’s why it’s so important to disconnect to stop feeling so overwhelmed by the sadness,” he says.
“By providing some boundaries or prompts in discussion with the young person, you encourage them to take some focused time to honour their feeling, but then also move on to something different.”
Create space for grief – and moving away from it
One way to do this might be to invite them to play their five favourite songs for you, and then offer to make them a snack they can have while they catch up on some of their homework, or exam study.
“Setting a time limit is important,” he says, adding that, at any age, it’s never a good idea to send a young person grieving such a public death to retreat to their room with unchecked access to the internet.
“Disconnecting from the endless stories and grief is very important,” Higgins told EducationDaily. “By getting them away from reading all the news stories and taking time to listen to music together, you can help them focus on happier feelings and connections to more positive memories.”
Self-care, he says, is also vital for parents, who may feel deep distress at seeing their child so upset.
“Once you feel that your child is okay, it might be important for you to take a break – even if that just means doing some exercise, reading a book, or watching a favourite TV show.”
Moving through grief is a process
While public figures like Payne can have a profound impact on our lives because of the way they are often associated with our happy or important memories, helping young people stay focused on the people around them in their everyday lives is a powerful way to help them move through their grief.
When there are other factors involved in a public death, such as drink-driving, drug use or reckless behaviour, parents can be tempted to use conversations about the death to quickly evolve into a lesson about what not to do.
Higgins recommends not giving in to this urge immediately – and certainly not in the days straight after the news.
“There is a right time to use events of a tragic death to lead into a meaningful conversation about those things that might have played a part in that death, but the first thing is empathy and enabling the young person to feel heard, understood, cared for and safe.”
Lifeline: 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 or kidshelpline.com.au
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 or beyondblue.org.au
Headspace: 1800 650 890 or headspace.org.au
