Guide your child through making friends

The first day at school without a bestie by your side, whether it’s in prep or high school, can be distressing for any student but there are ways to help your child quickly make friends.

Psychologist and headspace app mental health expert Carly Dober says with the right words of encouragement and some helpful tools, “parents can set children up to have a positive experience”.

“Where they might feel sad, embarrassed, or alone, think of how to encourage them and remind them of their strengths. Remind them they’re a good person, a great listener and have made friends before so they will again even if it may not happen immediately.

“Coach them through ideas of how to approach people such as finding common interests. You can’t just assume kids know how to approach others – they might need a confidence boost.

Dober says using established social approaches — looking people in the eye when you speak, saying hello and exchanging names and asking questions about the things you like or talking about yourself can all be ice breakers. She says good childhood friendships aren’t just helpful to build self-esteem but set a lifetime of good adult relationships as well.

“It’s incredibly important for children to have friends, for numerous reasons,” adds Dober.

“Research shows that childhood friendships help children learn about themselves and develop a positive sense of self. It’s also important for ongoing development of their social skills, initiating interaction, taking turns, sharing, celebrating, and resolving conflict.’’

Clinical psychologist with expertise in working with children and adolescents, Dr Simon Crisp says there’s not just one right way to have friends and parents of young adolescents should appreciate it’s a critical time for emotional and psychological development through peers.

“It can be a period of great stress for young people where they’re identifying with peers and developing their identity based on the peer group,” Crisp said.

It’s important for parents and educators to seek out and celebrate what is special about each unique young person. What are their strengths? This sets the foundation to build relationships on. While there isn’t a perfect formula to what makes a friendship, a clear identity is central to who the person is as an individual and how that may shape your friendships.

If it seems like it was easier for your child to make friends when they were young, you’re right. When kids are little, most of their friendships are cultivated and managed by adults. Parents set up “play dates,” organise the activities, and manage any conflict that pops up. 

As kids become teens, these friendships start to shift and evolve. As is true with so many things about high school, teens become more independent and start making choices for themselves, so it makes sense they also become more independent in managing their friendships. 

Some kids handle this transition effortlessly, while others struggle with making and keeping friends. And those friendship struggles can lead to a lack of confidence and feeling disconnected and vulnerable at a crucial time in their development.

We’ve all known the charismatic, outgoing teenager who is friends with everyone and approaches social situations with ease and grace. We’ve also known the awkward, insecure teenager who struggles to connect with people and becomes more withdrawn with each friendship that crashes and burns. While some of it has to do with personality and development, it is just as important to remember that just like so many aspects of adolescent development, making friends is a skill that can be learned.

And as with any new skill, becoming proficient at friendship requires some self-awareness, some guidance, and practice.

Here are some tips for helping your teen improve their friendship skills:

1. Invite your teen to do some reflecting. Ask them, “What qualities do you have that would make people want to be your friend?” And more importantly, “How do people know that about you? How do you let people see what you value, what’s important to you, and who you really are?” Rather than just looking around for someone with common interests, helping teens become clear about who they are and what they value allows them to attract friends who will be a good fit for them.
2. Remind your teen that not every acquaintance will become a BFF. Teens who struggle with making friends tend to latch onto the first person who shows them meaningful attention. They may share too much personal information too soon, and they may become jealous and insecure when their new best friend has other friends. Help your teen work through the difference between a friend you sit next to in class and chit-chat with, and a friend who really understands and values you.
3. Teach your teen how to engage in conversation. Small talk is an important skill. It doesn’t come easily for everyone. It is particularly difficult for teens who are more introverted. Practice having light, casual conversations about easy topics such as music, activities outside of school, or homework. Help them learn how to keep it positive and promote the value of listening more than they speak.
4. Help your teen understand that conflict is a natural part of relationships. Even the best of friends are going to have fights, but not every argument means the end of a friendship. Help them work on fighting fair and knowing when to take a break from an argument to cool off. Particularly when it comes to social media, where misunderstandings are common, and conflict can quickly get out of control. Teach your teen the value of saying, “I think we’re both really upset. Let’s talk about this in person tomorrow.”
5. Be aware of your own judgments and opinions. If you don’t like your teen’s new friend and you believe your reasons are valid, be thoughtful about how you bring it up. Opening a conversation with, “Tell me what you like about hanging out with her” may be much better received than the more obvious, “I don’t like her! She’s trouble.” And if you feel the need to criticize your teen’s friend, be sure to be specific about the behaviours you don’t like. For example, “I’ve noticed she cancels plans with you at the last minute a lot” opens up a much healthier conversation than, “I don’t like her. She’s selfish and disrespectful.” Your teen values your opinion much more than they will ever let you know, so if you notice them being treated badly by a friend, speak up. Just make sure you do it in a way that is likely to be heard.
6. Help your teen foster other relationships. The need for connection and belonging extends beyond friendships with peers. Make sure your teen feels connected to you and other adults in their life. When teens have solid, healthy relationships in their lives that they can count on unconditionally, it becomes much easier to endure the roller coaster of adolescent friendships.

Friendships are important and can be so fulfilling. Having someone to lean on, share secrets with, and let loose with makes life better at any age. If your child is struggling with friendships, remember that it is not a lost cause. Make sure your connection with them is strong and guide them toward the skills they need to make the kinds of friends that will serve them well.